It began with Y2K and continued through to 2012. Fear, FEAR, FEAR! The fear of what tangible things we ‘might’ lose specifically, money, possessions and position. During these last 15 years, we’ve all been forced to look at ourselves; and asking those questions. Who am I? Where am I? Is this all there is? What IS important to me; family, wealth, how I look, what others think....? At the core of who I am....WHO AM I?
And when the world didn’t collapse at midnight of December 31, 1999 on eve of 2000; or by midnight of December 21, 2012; and when we, here in North America, didn’t collapse after the great black out in 2003 or after the tragedy of on September 11/01, many began to realize fear is often used to control and weaken people. Healthy fear has great value for us as a race, but unhealthy fear will destroy us. At first I was going to say, these events made very little impact at all and for others....the impact has been truly life altering. But the truth is...each of these ~and many more~ have made a great impact on each and everyone of us, whether we realize it or not.
I dare say, the greatest impact each of these events has had on each of us is how we view the world we live in; not only on larger scale but in our day-to-day living. If we didn’t reassess our lives, someone in our lives did; and their choices greatly impacted us.
How many people lived days, weeks, months and years in fear of the world coming to an end on these dates? How many people killed them self based on these fears? How many people made huge life changing decisions, based on the fears planted by others, they may not otherwise have made? How many people are happier for the changes they made based on fears; rather than on facts? Misery loves company!
I’ve always been a supporter of choice, and likely always will be. However, in a discussion I recently had with a person who believes them self to be very ‘powerful’, he echoed a quote I’ve heard many times.... “Choice is an illusion between those who have power and those who don’t.” I guess the point is...there is always choice. The question may be...what’s your perspective of power?
The fact is, there has been a shift in paradigm, from the 20th to the 21st Century; and it has been great. Each of us, on a variety of levels has been forced to re-evaluate our lives....our purpose. For some, we’ve made our choices by first, being still and looking within to find our purpose. For others, we’ve continued to rely on the images and influences outside of ourselves. Both have a great impact, not only in our own lives but in the lives of many. What we will NEVER realize is how many people and in what ways, our choices have impacted others; and the world we live in. Our choices not only become our legacy; but they also becomes part of how are societies are developed and maintained; what we accept; and what we reject. Our choices establish guidelines by which we judge and punish; as well as live and love by.
While, for the most part, Christmas in my home was peaceful; it wasn’t without the drama, which seems to now plague our holidays and special occasions; since 2012, though. Because this Christmas brought with it, the additional drama of wanting to visit with a loved one, my children and I decided the four of us would spend New Year’s Eve together. We did invite one special person to share our evening though; and together....we said farewell to 2014 and in a quiet and calm manner, we welcomed with positive anticipation, 2015!
At 2:00am....New Years Day....grief came. My eldest learned a cherished friend of hers (and single mom) had just passed away. She and I spent hours reflecting not only on the loss of a friend, but of the hopes shared and dreams now lost. We reflected on how this death would impact the very young child left behind. Mother (parent) and child....alone together....an amazing bond that existed, cherished and shared.
Before the weekend had ended, we learned of another loved one’s passing; and that two more loved ones had been diagnosed with terminal illnesses. The quietness of New Years eve clearly wasn’t only needed to recover from the drama at Christmas, but also to prepare us for this news. Within the next few days, we’d learn of yet another death and the terminal illness.
Would 2015 be the year we have been awaiting, hoping for and anticipating great change in? Would it be the year, we’ve been hoping to close an unresolved matter so we could finally feel ‘safe’ and ‘free’ to start to move forward; or will it be plagued with more heart ache, uncertainty, and caution?
I wanted this year to be the year I could finally start to move forward again; on my terms. I wanted this year to be a year where I can FIANLLY be the one to ignite the changes in my life rather than being forced to continuously respond to changes forced upon me; and my children. I wanted my children to learn what it felt like to experience the magic in life and not just the consequences of life; particularly because of another’s actions. I wanted this for 2015 so much, that in December, just before Christmas, I gave myself a bitter sweet gift. It will co$t me greatly, but this prison has come to cost me so much more than 'just' money. So, I signed an offer to settle; and had it presented to the “other side”. It’s been the better part of a month and still....I’m held in bondage. I’ve conceded to and sacrificed so much; and still....I wait; and my children wait.
Instead of allowing my brain to swim with all the questions and worries uncertainty contaminates one’s mind with, I’ve chose to (for the most part) let go...let God. I’ve given myself an amazing gift. I’ve invited myself to come back to the present. Rather than focusing on the future, I am embracing and cherishing – right now.
It’s strangely interesting where mediation will take you, if you allow yourself to be still; to be truly quiet and open at the same time. An essence of serenity often comes over you. The message you receive becomes simplex (simply complex), comforting and yet inspiring. And on such occasion, for me; during a very deep meditation these words were being whispered to me as if the sun and a gentle breeze were massaging them into every part of my existence.... “Cozality” “Transition”
Now, I’ve tried to find a “definition” for the word “Cozality” but the only one I can find that seems to make any sense to me is the reference from the Matrix movie. Cozality ~action/reaction; cause and effect. ....Hmmmm, Newton’s third law of relativity and Lorenz’s Chaos Theory. Grade 10 physics class with an amazing teacher; Mr Grant!!!!!
As I reflected on the word – Cozality-, the events that ended 2014 and greeted 2015; my word for this year would seem to be “transition”. I remain very hopeful, that in the next few days or weeks, at least my separation will be final enough that I will have more direct influence over what happens in my life. It will then be my choices that will have greater impact on my life; rather than me being forced to react to impact of the choices of others.
I have had to say “until we meet again” so some amazing souls who have been great comfort and strength to me these past couple of years. And, undoubtedly, I will have to do so again before 2015 ends. And....that’s all a part of life. But so too is choosing to be open to accept new souls; new challenges and all the gifts God and the Universe has to offer and give me; give you! We may not have a lot of “security” in our lives, but we still have the security in knowing....the sun will come up tomorrow. And just as things end...so too do other things begin. If you hold on to your past, how do you ever expect to enjoy what you have now or be excited for the future? We may not always have control over how, when or what sort of transitions we will have in our lives, but we always have control over how we’ll accept it; when we’ll accept it and what we’ll accept about it.
2015, will be a pivotal point in my transition. As I look back, on December 31, 2011 I made a paramount decision in my life. I made it in consultation and with the support of my then, dearest friend. We contemplated my leaving a 'secure' career over several years and made our choice, not on a whim, but based on much thought and research. As I did then, I still believe my choice was right for me. “Cozality” ~ action/reaction; cause and effect.
What I couldn’t have seen then, nor did I ever imagine, was that the one I trusted the most....the one I relied on the most....would bail on me; and on our children - our family. Not only did he walk out on me, but in the months and years that have past...he would temporarily rob me of hopes and dreams; shatter my security and open the door for me to question me; who I am.
I have NO idea how I will move through this, or what lies ahead, but...I do know....I feel it in the core of who I am....I am ok! I still cherish and hold on to the same values and morals I’ve come to trust. I find courage, comfort and strength these ethics and....I believe even at this pivotal time in my life, they will guide me through this transition as graciously and compassionately as they've always done. I am excited to see what transition(s) await me for 2015.
Whatever 2015 holds in store for you....remember...take time to be still. Listen to that inner voice. Have the courage to believe in yourself; and the conviction to live your passion. Cozality and chaos may follow, but so too will their gifts and benefits. The heart never lies!
In love, light and kindness; cozality and chaos....Carleana