As I look back on 2014, it's funny how life goes. I refuse to give in and believe the world is a dark and sinister place. If it were as some would like me to believe it is, I wonder...why anyone would want to live in such an evil place; why would anyone wish to spend their time being cruel to another rather than living their own life.
I was going through
some papers I found with notes and wanted to compare them to my blog....clearly
I didn’t get those notes into my blog; yet it
would seem my word for 2014 might have been “surviving”. Let me be totally honest here. I am so sick of “surviving”.
I remember speaking with a group of ‘administrators’
about the impacts of bullying, who regularly used the phrase, “...they’ll
survive....” in reference to children who were being bullied. Finally I tossed down my pen ~ more
dramatically than I intended ~ but, I seized that moment. As I was being visually assessed, I shook my
head and glanced back around the table at the educators, medical practitioners, political
people, and parents who were there and I said, “Children survived the holocaust, but would
any one of you deliberately put a child, or anyone for that matter, in that
type of living condition?” Aghast that I would make such a comparison, and with
their judgemental eyes focused on me, they initiated what became a very interesting discussion.
The point being, why would any one person
deliberately treat another person poorly and if, they weren’t aware what they were
doing was hurtful, why once it was brought to their attention, why would they
continue ~ especially if the person(s) being treated horrifically wasn’t doing
anything to them or that would impact their life.
Since August 1, 2012
most each day of my life has been living in ‘survivor’ mode. I’ve not only been directly threaten but I
have had to live with many “implied” threats including writing on my blog.
I was beginning to feel like the caged in bird again or worse, a trapped
animal. I understand this in not
uncommon when going through a divorce; especially where there is a real or perceived
imbalance of power. Ahhhh, one of the identifiers of bullying.
I am one of the first
people to say, every experience has a lesson to be learned; and that we're right where
we're meant to be when we're meant to be there.
And my children’s favourite, 'we’ll get through this' and 'it will all be
ok'; ~ forever and for always. These are
all true and....I do believe in these reassurances, here’s where I’m having
some trouble though...it’s easy to be put at ease by these words when you’re
dealing with a onetime occurrence. It
becomes daunting and overwhelming when the actions are reoccurring and deliberate
acts of cruelty. Another, identifier of bullying.
It isn’t just myself
whose been forced to suffer such vindictiveness this past year (+), but my three children as
well. As Christmas winds down, my estranged
husband and his family gave my children yet another ‘memorable’ holiday. For people who claim to love and care for my
children, one might think they’d choose not to behave so maliciously;
especially during the holidays. And over
the past three years since my husband walked out, one might even think, they would
have reached out to these amazing people with compassion; at least once. Alas, lies that have been told are starting
to step into the light. And rather than
showing kindness to my children, their kin, my children are forced to endure even more brutality
and denigration.
This is what I’m
talking about when I ask, “Children survived the holocaust, but would any one
of you deliberately put a child, or anyone, in that type of living
condition?” The reality is....the answer to that question
is YES! There are people, who would do
that; who DO, do that! I was once part
of a family who believes it is better to hurt another before they can hurt you
~ even if there is no real evidence that person would ever hurt them. They also would deliberately hurt someone and
speak ill of them for no other reason than to try to build them self up. Some refer to this behaviour as bullying while
others might call it arrogance and intolerance.
Then, there are those who’d refer to it as narcissism or schizophrenia;
or maybe even signs of Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome.
So where does that
leave the ones being hurt? Shy of years
of therapy and tons of medications????? “Don’t
take it personally” ~ one of the four
agreements. This is their issue not
yours. You must continue to find the
courage and strength to distance yourself from these sorts of people so you
don’t end up believing their lies or worse, become trapped by their
toxicity. The challenge...most often these people are our friends, our loved ones, maybe even a spouse, parent or child. Maintaining, if
necessary, a relationship with these people can be done but...it is imperative that
you create and maintain firm boundaries for yourself and that you be willing to forgive
yourself when you stumble. Make sure you have supports you can rely on, anytime of day and...that you trust. These people
are smooth and used to doing anything to get their needs met. Often they are well respected, by those who
don’t or won’t see them for who they are; and worse they usually “attack” when
you are your most loving, or vulnerable.
I still can’t get my
head around people who do this or why they do it, but I can say....this year
has been one where discovery, not only of these personality types has been a
huge learning curve for me; but also learning how to recognize it! There is value for these types in our society
but, in what roles? They lack compassion
and empathy so, when they hold positions of power/authority; or worse they
think they have control, those around them are more likely to live in a
constant state of surviving, rather than thriving. And in these scenarios, there is not likely
going to be any alli rescue missions.
If as Einstein said, ‘you’re
doing the same thing but expecting a different outcome’ and you're not getting it, you might simply be existing
in a state of insanity. If you feel
trapped or as if you’re not living your life...change something; even if it’s
one little thing. Have the courage to
look deep within yourself; and believe in yourself as you take the step you wish
to take.
Recently, I have taken steps that I believe will release me from my bondage and....even allow me an opportunity to move beyond surviving. Hopefully, my captor is getting bored with his subject (my children and I) and is truly willing to release all his perceived control over us; me. And, here's hoping the lessons learned on this journey will not soon be forgotten or implemented unjustly in the future.
Even if a door closes, remember it's on hinges which means, it can be re-opened. One only needs to knock; then decide to wait for an answer. Just don't ever put someone first, who puts your second.
