It’s Sunday morning, December 8, 2013; and I find myself
reflecting on me and my life. At first I
thought, I wasn’t reflecting on anything specific. After all, my house is a mess. My yard is in desperate need of some
TLC. My children are still sleeping
and...chaos is all around me. And
yet....I feel serenity. How strange is
this?
Two years ago, I was so excited about my future. My children were almost finished secondary
school and planning their post secondary school futures; university or
college? My husband wasn’t completely
happy with his current career situation but, was hopeful things would soon be
changing. After 20 years with public
service, and several years of contemplation and planning, I was counting down
the days till my buyout (retiring). A
few years earlier than anticipated, but in the New Year, I would be beginning a
new career, with my passion work. In 2013
my husband and I would be celebrating our 50th birthday and our 25th
wedding anniversary. The dream
destinations were Bora Bora and/or an Alaskan cruise. Life couldn’t get much better than that. Finally all our hard work would be paying off
and our lives would be changing.
2012 started as any new year often did. Messy house, sleeping in and amazing hopes
for the year ahead. You know how you
feel when, something just ain’t right but you can’t put your finger on it
so....you dismiss it? Well...so many
changes were happening. I cannot say
this enough or explain it, but when you tell the universe your hopes and dreams,
and then put yourself out there....be ready for the ride of your life! I couldn’t keep up with momentum and rather
than trying to control it....I chose to keep my vision clear and trust! Trust in myself. Trust in my vision; and....trust in those who
were closest to me.
My 2012 training and experiential learning plans were in
place. It was six months since I left
public service and....something felt wrong; but I didn’t understand it. I know when things become too good to be
true, I have tendency to self sabotage.
Maybe you do that too? You say to
yourself, “Ok. Things are going too good.
Something bad is going to happen.”
Because I was finally feeling excited in my life again, I didn’t want to
believe something ‘bad’ was going to happen.
Plus, I know...when you put it out there...often we bring it on
ourselves. I couldn’t ignore it any more
so...I checked in with those closest to me.
“All is ok” was the response I got back.
I believe in their words, but I had no idea what the next eight weeks
had in store for me or how my life would change so profoundly.
It was eight months to the day, since I left my job –
with my husband’s support and encouragement, it was my choice. But now, at 50 years old, my hopes and dreams
were being shattered and falling into chards all around me. I found myself alone and lost without the one
I came to believe was my best friend. I
was unemployed, uneducated, unaware, and unprepared. I now found myself a single mother of three
teenage daughters whose lives, as they had always known it, would also be
changed forever. It was as if we had
been living is a glass snow globe and someone thought, “Hmmm” as they grabbed
our world, turned it upside down, gave it a great shake, put it down again and
walked away. Only for us, it wasn’t
beautiful snowflakes that dotted our world.
It felt more like a home invasion; and fire – if you’ve ever lived that
experience, you’ll understand the metaphor.
At first you’re in disbelief. You’re stunned and you think... “man I wish I
could just wake up”. Then you think,
well...if I can just... fill in the blank...
stop throwing up, get some sleep, assure my children, or you think, well maybe
this...again fill in the blank...will
pass or is a good thing or.... Then
reality sits in. We’re two reasonable
and responsible adults surely we can.... fill
in the blank. Then, another reality
sets in and days turn to weeks, then into months and....your life is sinking
faster and faster into the obis. A lone,
the world balance seems to be relying on you.
Another eight months of your life has past by and you’re
life preservers are water logged. You
think you see land ahead but you’re not sure.
The choice you face now is do you hang on to these weakening securities
and hope to reach land or....do you let go of them and try to make it to
land? First you must remember....you’ve
got three other people relying on you and your choices and second...you don’t
even know if what you see in the distance is actually land. The last thought you have is... “I know what
I’m doing isn’t good and staying here means certain failure for all of us,
so...at least if I make an attempted, we’ve got a chance.” A lone....unsure of what might lie ahead and
between where you are and where you’ll end up, you make a decision that will
impact your life and all those around you, beyond anything you could have
imaged.
My
journey has been very interesting. My
world has been opened in so many ways, as I live these experiences. My passion work is about helping people
rediscover their own value, worth, purpose, magic, trust and love. The idea was to show people no matter what
life experience you’ve had; you can live life with peace, love, forgiveness and
passion. I thought with all I had been
through in my life, I had a lot to offer.
Well, let’s just say....I’m in the process of rediscovering myself. I lived the 25 years of my life on my own and
developed coping skills that worked very well for me. With a few ‘cross over years’, I lived the
next 25 years of my life with a man who became my best friend (or so I thought),
my husband and the father of my children.
On
that journey, my copying skill set grew exponentially. I had no idea what was involved with living
with a ‘partner’. What I thought and
what it was....night and day different.
I guess I thought there would be more mutual compromises when there were
disagreements or differences. And I
thought both people would be happy for the other when good things happen to
each individual. I didn’t imaging
married life would be two individuals sharing living quarters and competing
with each other. That living
arrangement, I imaged would be similar to roommates or dorm life; and the
like. I was so excited when I became a
mom. Scared sh.tless, but so
excited. I thought my excitement would
have been shared, as well and the parenting journey. Clearly, another core value difference
between me and my ‘partner’. However, as
I mentioned....all along this journey, what I didn’t realize was what I would learned
about me.
Who
is Carleana? What are her core values? Where does she turn in her time of growth/need?
Why does Carleana do what she does? How
does she find the courage and strength to live her life? When does she make the choices she does?
While
there are specific answers to these questions, the truth is...there is
always room for change; as required. I
will offer this insight to you as well.
99.9% of all I do is based on the relationship I have with my heart and
soul. I chose the battles I’ll engage in
carefully; “Is this the mountain I want to die on?”
If I choose to ‘take up arms’ I do so after lots of contemplation; in
the spirit of justice and compassion. In my previous entries and in those to
come...you too will discover your own answers to these questions and/or
perspectives about me.
Anyway, I chose risk; to let go of the soggy life
preserver, eight months after the storm hit my family. I felt, I had nothing more to lose by letting
go of the sinking device. The unknown
allowed me to believe, there were many more potential positives by taking the
risk. And let’s face it....if nothing
else....I would be free. Freedom always comes
with great costs but being a slave, in my opinion, costs far more. In more ways than one, I am still paying the
price of $wimming to shore. At least now, I’m able to make more choices
for myself and my children without having to ask for permission or always weighing
the pros and cons. My decision has
greatly improved the atmosphere in our home.
One day we’re faced with decisions like going to the foodbank and/ or
social services for aid and the next day, we’re in the presence of people like
Jebb Bush or accepting an invitation to the House Commons from Hon Steven
Harper.
I would like
to take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of my
angels too. In some cases only you know
who you are, but I assure you the girls and I have received your gifts, cash,
food, supplies, opportunities, etc; with thanks and humble hearts. Thank you!!!!!
With all that has happen in my life over the past two
years, the thing I am most excited about is....what I am rediscovering about
myself. Once again, I am rediscovering
my ability to live in resilience and to forgive. Both of these are gifts I give to me. They have very little to do with those who
throw my life into chaos but everything to do with how I chose to make order of
it. To heal, I choose to allow myself
the opportunity to be angry and sad.
It’s no different than when we allow ourselves to feel
the pain of a broken bone or paper cut.
As soon as you feel that pain/hurt you are reminded of feeling and that
you have choice. We can choose to stay
and live in that pain or we can chose to say “Wow...that sucks” and act by looking
for away to move out of it. We can
choose negative responses such as, regret or retaliation, but in truth....we
then choose to stay living in that pain; or...we can choose to feel the pain and
do what we need to, to heal. We wouldn’t
stand on the broken leg or pour lemon juice in that paper cut, would we? As long as we choose to heal; we, by default,
give ourselves the gift of hope. We
empower ourselves by making choices that help us feel better. With every single thing we do that helps us feel less pain...we inspire ourselves to choose health, choose life.
I know...this is often easier said than done, but nothing
worth having in life is every easy. Cliché? Perhaps, but...there is some truth in
it. Often when we have things given to
us, we don’t really appreciate what it means to have them. Don’t believe me? Ask some who’s lost something special or lost
someone they loved/cherished.
For months, I’ve been living in and out of a state of mourning
for what I thought I had lost. Today as
I find myself in a state of peaceful reflection, I’m discovering it’s not what
I recently loss that I’ve been mourning, but rather what I had lost a long time
ago; and that I’m rediscovering on this journey. I’m reminded of Maya Angelou words, “Never
allow someone to be your priority in your life, when you’re only an option in theirs.”
As I move forward in my life, I will share my journey to
self-rediscovery. Hopefully, it will
inspire others to have the courage to live their truth in kindness and
respect. I love quotes!!!! Not only will I share them, but as I can, I
will incorporate them in my life, especially with those who wish to walk close with
me; in my heart and soul,. I say: “Don’t
walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t
walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.” ~Albert
Camus
Blessings of abundance, Carleana
As I close, I just wanted to say, thank you to each of you who have reached out to me many times and have asked me to start blogging again. I invite you to visit ASOAB’s facebook page to see part of what I’ve been doing.
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