Saturday 12 July 2014

Back on line, and just in time.....

Two years ago today....I posted my very first blog entry! 

When I came to the world of was with great excitement and anticipation for a future, I expected would be filled with wonderful surprises for my family and those I held dear.  I looked forward to meeting so many wonderful people and...I anticipated spending more time with the man I married; looking back at all we had overcome and celebrating the rewards of our hard work.  And I prepared to leave for my Compostella de Camino de Santiago in Spain, I started my blog to share my journey with my family and friends.  One person I gave a lot of credit to, was my husband; my “soul mate”. 

At that time...I believed he deserved it.  Of course, had I been privy to the secret he was holding onto....I may not have given him as much credit, especially considering what transpired while I was away.  What he knew, but I didn’t, was...upon my return (within 21 days) he would be walking out on our children and me. The signs are always there, we simply choose how we wish to interpret them rather than accepting them for what they are.  Someday I may elaborate on this further but for now.....

I don’t have to like what he did or his timing.  I do know I didn’t want to fight him.  If after 23 years he didn’t feel our family held any value or importance to him...what could I possibly do or say?  I understand things change; so I chose to accept this was “one of those things”.  What I wouldn’t stand for was him abandoning his responsibilities; especially when I knew/know he has the means to meet them. Foolishly, I thought, there was still some decency in him and hat he would be fair and just as we separated.  I’ve only ever asked him to keep his word and do what was right.  It has taken legal actions and court orders to re-iterate what he and I always knew to be fair.  Sadly, justice has still not prevailed; leaving the children and me at a grave disadvantage. 

This whole experience has been an incredible eye opener for me on SO MANY levels.  My savings has been depleted.  I can never recover the loss to my pension fund.  I’m not receiving support payments as court ordered, even though I’ve assumed all the financial responsibilities for our children, our home and myself.  My situation is quite gloomy but....I refuse to admit defeat.  I don’t know what more I can do, or where to go and so....for now, I’m going on a “vacation” of sorts. 

You know when you come home from a holiday you usually get to reflect on your trip; you talk about it, share it and maybe even look at a photo or two.....well when I returned from Spain I never had that chance.  So, over the next few weeks, to bring balance to my life...this is the “vacation” I taking.  I am going to take time to reflect on my Camino.  I’m going to read both my blog and my journal entries from my pilgrimage; and I’m even going to look at photos.  As I do so, it will be my intent to ‘relive’ my experience from a different perspective and share this with you on my blog. 
Life is good!  Even when it seems as if the weight of the world is heavy on our shoulders, we can still choose to set it aside, rest, breathe and reflect. 

In one of my entries, I wondered....why do we feel we need to go away to find our centre in our lives?  Well, for the next 21 days....I will explore this more deeply.  Because I’m doing this from home...I’m excited to watch how my “Camino” this summer is both similar and different than that of the one I took in 2012.

When you’re on the Camino people often ask why are doing the Camino.  In 2012, my reason was, "Because I wanted to".  Perhaps it was because I needed to ~ even if I didn’t realize it at the time.  However, if I were asked why I am doing this Camino, my answer would be “To remember, to never forget, Who I am to be Brilliant. 

I am also going to add an intention to this journey.  I’ve been invited, to attend a very special retreat with some amazingly brilliant people this fall, being held in Scottsdale Az.  Over the past two years, I’ve had to pass on similar invitations that would have taken me to Greece and Hawaii.  Repeatedly, I’ve been shown I always get exactly what I need, when I need it, but I don’t always get what I want.  I believe attending this retreat is a need, but maybe I’m not reading the signs right?

As I close, I invite you to join me on my Camino.  Perhaps you will make your own inner pilgrimage?  As they say along the Way of St James....Bon Camino! 

In kindness; and always with love....Carleana
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